My life after the War
by acriddle
Summary: Katniss and Peeta have returned from the Capitol only to avoid one another for a time. Soon they both begin to realize they need each other to survive. This story is told from the point of view of both Katniss and Peeta.
1. After the War

Chapter 1: After the War

It has been a year sense the war in Panem has ended. I returned to the victor's village in District 12 with Haymich to find that people were already starting to rebuild and live their lives as best they could. I live each day wishing I could do the same, but most of all I wish I could forget her death. For the first two months I was back in District 12 I didn't leave my living room for anything other than using the bathroom, which was just a short way down the hall.

Greasy Sae has returned to District 12 a few weeks before I had, to help rebuild. When I arrived she began taking care of me. Coming to my house three times a day to make sure I would eat. She tried to get me to talk but soon gave up, realizing how vacant I was.

Then one morning I woke to a scraping noise outside my house. Not knowing what the source of the noise was I panicked slightly, until I reminded myself 'I'm Katniss Everdeen. I have survived two hunger games. President Snow is dead. We are under a new regime. There are no Hunger Games anymore.

I noticed the sound was constant and unwavering. I tried ignoring it for a while until finally I couldn't take it anymore. Angry I flew down the hall to my front door and ran to the noise only to stop dead in my tracks, after seeing who was causing the noise. There stood my boy with the bread, looking up from his work. His slightly curly blond hair shining in the sun, and his bright blue eyes piercing my grey ones.

We stood there staring in to eachothers eyes for a while, until he disrupted the silence-

"Hello Katniss."

"H-Hello." I managed to stumble out of my mouth.

"I'm sorry if I startled you." He said softly.

"I-it's ok. What are you doing out here?"

That is when I noticed what was in the wheel barrow behind him. The bushes that would forever fill me with sadness and the faintest twinge of happiness at their sight. Primrose, my beautiful little sister. With her beautiful smile, her curiosity, her undying want to help people, and most of all her little duck tail that appeared when she wore a shirt that was much too big for her small frame. Tears flooded my eyes at the sight of them.

"I'm so sorry Katniss! I thought they would help you. I will stop and take them away. I'm sorry." Peeta said quickly.

"No." I said firmly.

Peeta looked up at me with his piercing blue eyes, and his face pinched together in worry.

"I want them." The look on Peeta's face softened. But before I would let him say anything else, I turned and went back in to my house.

Once I was through the door I ran up the stairs to my room. Once in there I realized I hadn't entered it sense my last night here before the Quarter Quell when the pungent smell hit my nose. The white rose Snow left in my room was still there. It was no longer vibrant and white like the one he wore on the lapel of his over coat, but shriveled and dried up. The petals were still in-tact although they no longer were white but instead they had a yellowish tint and its stem a brown color. I could feel the fear and anger rising in me as I stood in my bedroom doorway staring at the dead rose lying on top of my dresser.

I continued to stand in my door way not knowing what to do, or how to react. When suddenly I could feel the tears flooding down my face one after the other. The anger I feel takes over, and the next thing I know I am back in my living room in front of my fire place with the putrid dead rose in my left hand. I let the fire with in me rage as I prepare to set the damn thing ablaze.

Just as I am about to throw the dead thing in to the fire one of the thorns cut my left index finger. Just one more way for that man to hurt me. I dropped the rose just outside of the fire place as the pain struck me. I looked down at my finger and began to sob. Even though the blasted man was dead I could still hear his word like he was standing next to me. 'Make me believe'

A lot of good that did me and the people I care most about. I played his game and look what happened. I had lost everything. My sister dead, and my mother never wanting to return to our home. Gale living in District 2 with the guilt of Prims death on weighing down on his mind. And Peeta. I felt anguish for Peeta most of all. He had lost everything. He no longer has a family. No bakery. He no longer had the girl on fire. Not that he would ever want to be with the one person on Earth who has caused him all this pain. We both are forever alone because of the terrible world we once lived in. I sob until I fall asleep. Leaving the dried dead rose sitting just outside the fire.


	2. Waking Up

Chapter 2: Waking up

When I wake I'm still lying on the floor and the rose is gone. I can hear someone moving around in my kitchen. I'm guessing it's Greasy Sae. I decide I need to leave this room, and try to clear my head. When I walk in to the kitchen I see that it is not Sae who is in my house but instead Peeta.

"What are you doing here?" I ask in a hoarse voice.

Peeta turns from my stove startled. "I could hear you crying. But I didn't know how I could help. By the time I had built up the courage to come in to the house you had already fallen asleep."

Peeta turns back to the stove for a second before continuing on. "I found that rose by the fire place when I entered the living room." As he say's this he points to the middle of my dining table. My gaze following the direction his finger is pointing.

"oh." I say as I look down at my feet.

"I was trying to burn it when I cut my finger. I guess he wins another round." I'm still looking at my feet but I can feel Peeta's eyes on me. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes once more as I say this aloud. But I put a stop to them and look up and meet Peeta's beautiful blue eyes.

We stand staring at one another in silence for a while before Peeta says "Would you like help burning that nasty thing?"

I'm shocked by his words but for some reason his words make me feel safe, even though I know this stupid flower could trigger another episode in Peeta.

"Are you sure you can without breaking down?" I ask in a tone barely audible for anyone other than myself to hear.

"I think I can handle it." Peeta answers. "We both need to end his control, and I think the first step is to get rid of that awful flower." He continues.

We both stand in place for a few moments in silence, when Peeta walks over to the table and picks up the dried up rose in his left hand and begins to turn it slowly. I can see that he is struggling with himself as he does this.

"Are you ok Peeta?" I ask quietly, not wanting to trigger one of his episodes.

He stands in silence for a few seconds before he answers. "I'm fine, I just…" He stops which makes me worry.

"I need to know Katniss… Real or not real… Did I hurt you after being rescued from the capitol?" He looks at me as he says this.

"Yes… Real." I answer quietly, looking him in the eyes as I said it. "But it wasn't truly you Peeta. You thought I was a mutt, and that I was going to hurt you more than I already had."

As I say this he seems to come back to me. "Katniss…I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I will never hurt you again as long as I live. I would rather die than see you in pain." With that he walks over to me and grabs my left hand with his right and steers me in to the living room.

Holding on to Peeta's hand we both stare at the fire roaring in my fire place as he holds up the rose preparing to drop it in. I turn and look at his face for a moment. Then I turn back as he drops the rose in to the heart of the flames.

After the rose is nothing but ashes, I turn to look at Peeta only to see that he is looking at me. In this light I notice that he looks older. He is no longer my boy with the bread, but a man. I want to soak in every detail of his beautiful face, fearing that I may never see it again if I don't. As I am doing this, he seems to be doing the same.

"I'm sorry I hurt you Peeta." I say as I try to walk away only to find that he is holding me there in his gaze. "I want you to know…I will never forgive myself for what happened to you. I wanted to save you the entire time Snow held you captive. I wanted nothing more than to see you safe, but most of all alive."

I can feel the tears in my eyes making their way to the surface.

"I want nothing more than for you to live a happy life. I never wanted you to get hurt while trying to protect me. I want nothing more than for you to be safe."

My will breaks and the tears fall from my eyes in a steady stream. As I stand there still trapped in his gaze I see that tears have begun to fall from his eyes as well.

"Don't cry Peeta. I can't see you hurt anymore." I say I reach up with my right hand to wipe away his tears leaving my hand there to stroke his cheek.

"I know seeing me causes you pain, and it's a struggle for you every day." I say as more tears flood my eyes. "That's why I need you to go. I can't be selfish anymore and hold you here, where you will feel nothing but pain. I know that making you go will hurt us both, but I have to do it to keep you safe."

I remove my left hand from his right at the same time that I remove my right from his beautiful face. I walk past him and head for my stairs to go to my room and cry myself to sleep. I notice as I am halfway up the stairs that he has not left my living room. This only drives me up the stair faster. As I reach my door I can hardly see, my eyes clouded with tears. I close my door and throw myself on to my bed my back to the door, and sob in silence.


	3. Waking Up: Peetas' Point of View

Chapter 3: Waking up from Peetas point of view.

I didn't know what to do as I watched Katniss there on the floor, tears still wet on her beautiful face. What was I to do I had driven her to finding the one thing we both fear. It was more than the rose it was the past, and the present. For all I know it will be our future too. That wilted rose was more than just a dead flower taunting us it was a symbol of what we use to be, and what we will be until we learn to live with our guilt over the dead.

There is still a part of me that wants to kill her when the venom takes over but I can fight it. My time in the capitol after the war helped me understand what was real and what wasn't. I still have to play my game once in a while to reassure myself, but for the most part the things that are not real have a shiny quality to them. I noticed once when I was fighting to keep control, that the edges of my vision became blurry and shiny when the memories are not my own, but instead the implanted memories from President Snow and his evil followers.

Even with the venom in me I now know that I never stopped loving Katniss. How could I? She was the first thing I thought of when I woke in the morning and the last thing I thought of before I fell asleep long before the games and to this day. She was the only thing keeping me from giving in to Snow when I was captured. All the terrible things I said to her after I was rescued will haunt me forever. She was far from being plain, she may have seemed heartless to others but not to me. She was everything I could ever want in a friend, and hopefully someday in a lover. With all of my heart I still want to marry Katniss and protect her from harm in every way possible. That includes the harm she may cause to herself. I picked up the rose, and made my way to her kitchen. I placed the rose on her dining table. Now all I could do was wait for her to wake up.

After an hour of sitting in her dining room waiting for her to wake up, I decide to start cooking dinner. I open her fridge to find it empty. Great. I leave her house and make my way to my own to grab what I can for a decent meal. Once inside my house I remember that Greasy Sae normally takes care of Katniss, I decide to give her a call.

"Hello?"

"Hello Sae, this is Peeta. I just wanted to let you know I will take care of Katniss tonight. You don't need to come over." I say in to the phone.

"Well thanks Peeta. I don't know if you will get much out of her, but good luck to you all the same boy." With that we both hang up the phone.

I enter my kitchen, and begin searching for ingredients to take with me, when I remember I baked her favorite bun earlier today before I planted the Primrose. I had the whole day planned in my head. I was going to quietly plant the bushes, and surprise her with the cheese buns as a token of my wanting her in my life again. I was also hoping this would ease her in to knowing I was back in District 12. But none of that happened. Instead I brought her nothing but pain and sorrow.

I grab some vegetables, meat, and the cheese buns before I talk myself in to staying home. When I open her front door I wait and listen for sounds of her moving around. But none come. I quietly make my way to the kitchen and begin to make a simple stew. I get so involved in my cooking that I don't hear when she enters the room.

Our conversation only lasts for a few moments before I begin to stare at her. God she is so beautiful. I don't care how she looks to others all I see is the same girl that I fell in love with all those years ago. She was the girl on fire then, and she is now. It may not be as obvious to others as it is to me, but those flames are still there burning bright, and making their way through every fiber of my being. Her grey eyes filled with sadness as I stand before her.

My offer to help her be rid of the putrid rose seems to have changed her demeanor a bit. As I take the dead rose in to my left hand I begin to twirl it which triggers the venom to feed me a memory. All I can see is Katniss running towards me, a look of hope in her eyes, but all I feel is anger. As she approaches me the anger grow, and instead of meeting her with a hug, my hands close around her neck. This is a memory I want so badly to be false. I don't ever want to hurt her. Not knowing for sure that I had truly done this I have no choice but to ask. Real or Not real?

My heart sinks as Katniss tells me the truth. My anger mixes with sorrow and allows me to tell her what I have wanted to for so long. _"Katniss…I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I will never hurt you again as long as I live. I would rather die than see you in pain." _ I take her beautiful hand and lead her to the living room where I can end some of our pain.

After I throw the rose in to the fire I turn to face Katniss, and meet her beautiful grey eyes. But she is not reacting the way I had hoped. Instead she is breaking my heart with every word. Soon tears are silently falling from my eyes. As she wipes them away I want nothing more than to kiss her and tell her I don't blame her for anything that has happened. But I know that interrupting her would only make things worse.

As she leaves the room I find that I can't move. My mind is trying to comprehend what has happened as I stand there crying at the thought of not being with her in any way. As my tears dry I move and sit on her couch facing the fire. How could she think that she is hurting me? Doesn't she know I love her, that I need her to survive?

That's when it hits me. She has no idea that I still love her, at least not really. I haven't said anything to her about it sense the war ended. I had just assumed she would know that my feelings would never change. Even in the beginning when I would sleep I could feel that all I wanted was to be near her. That part of me was small at first, but as time went on that part of me grew. I noticed it the night Katniss killed Coin. Why else would I have crushed the one pill that would have brought an end to her life? I even thought of a plan while she was begging Gale to kill her, to prevent him from carrying out this deed. I wouldn't let anyone hurt her then and I won't now.

I get up from the couch, and make my way to her room. I will tell her how I feel, and I will make sure she knows that I will never leave her again, no matter how much she wants me to.


	4. Trying to Heal

Chapter 4: Trying to Heal.

I'm shaking violently from my sobs when I hear someone at my door. I don't roll over as I hear the door open and close I just lay there sobbing. Then I feel him crawl in to my bed behind me placing his hand on my waist like he did so many times during our time as victors. I try to move away but he pulls me closer.

"Peeta…" I begin to say, but he cuts me off.

"Shhh Katniss. You got the chance to say what you needed to, now I need that same chance." He says quietly in to my ear. I shake my head signaling to him that I will listen.

"I don't blame you for what happened. I know I did when I first came back, but that was the venom playing with who I am. I know that I will never be the same, just as you won't. But one thing I know that won't change is how I have felt about you from the first day of school when the birds stopped chirping to hear you sing. I love you, and I am not going anywhere. I may have to fight off the tracker jacker episodes from time to time when I see you, but not seeing you or being with you only makes me feel empty and make the episodes harder. I will wait a thousand life times and more just to get the chance to spend my life with you. We can take it slow, and get to understand and know one another again. But I promise I will never leave you or hurt you again. I will spend the rest of this life with you in any way that I can, even if you won't let me in, I will be here with you every day for the rest of our lives."

We lay in my bed in silence for a few minute. Until finally with tears still streaming down my face, I roll over in his arms to face him. Even though the room is dark I know that his beautiful blue eyes are fixed on me. Then I feel one of his hands come to my face, and stroke my cheek, while wiping away my tears.

"How can you want to stay here with me after all the terrible things I have done to your life?" I say.

"You deserve better than me, and anything I could offer." I think about saying more but Peeta stops me.

"I stay here with you because you are the only person I will ever love, you are the only one I want to love. You shouldn't believe for one minute that I don't deserve you, because if you truly don't want to hurt me, and cause me pain you would know that when I hear you say stuff like that it hurts me. If you truly want to see me happy and safe then you will have to understand that there is no one else in this world for me, you are my sunrise and my sunset, and you are everything I want and deserve."

When Peeta has finished he lightly kisses my lips. As he pulls away, I realize I want more. But I don't force it. Instead I answer "I believe you." Then kiss his lips with as much passion and tenderness as I can muster.

I could stay in this bed with him forever, kissing his lips in the safety of his arms. After I remove my lips from his I place my forehead against his and listen to him breath. My eyes start to droop signaling to me that I am tired, when Peeta says, "Why don't you rest for a few minutes, and then shower while I start cooking dinner again."

I shake my head in agreement, as I feel him pull away from me. As he does this I feel cold and empty. I reach out and grab his hand gently, as he is preparing to stand. Peeta turns to me and leans down and plants a soft kiss on my lips.

"You are going to be hungry soon Katniss. You haven't had anything to eat all day."

He turns and leaves the room. His leaving makes the emptiness I felt before even greater. I decide to get up and shower hoping the empty feeling will leave. As I start the shower in my bathroom I can hear Peeta downstairs moving stuff around. I smile thinking to myself, my boy with the bread, the man I would do anything for wants to stay with me forever, and he is in my kitchen. Suddenly I feel embarrassed, I'm not the kind of girl to dote on feelings and be emotional. But I can feel that something has changed, at first I'm not sure it is for the better, but I think it must be if I can spend my life with Peeta.

As I'm undressing I look in the mirror, I look ugly. My skin is still patchy from all the work the capitol did on my skin after the bombing. My hair is still uneven in some spots but it is long enough for me to put in a short braid. I pull myself from the mirror and walk in to my warm shower. The water feels great, I decide to turn up the heat when I realize how matted my hair is from days of neglecting my hygiene. I take my time scrubbing at my hair and the rest of my body, trying to wash away everything bad so I can let the good come in.

When I'm done I step out of the shower, and a tantalizing smell hits my nose. I hurry and search for clothes while my stomach groans aloud for food. I decide to wear a simple pair of black yoga pants. At least I think that is what Cinna called them, and a loose fitting grey shirt. I pull my hair back in a braid, and then begin to descend the stairs. I get half way down when my stomach groans loudly causing me to hurry myself to the kitchen.

The table is set for two, and Peeta is putting what I am hoping are the final touches on dinner.

"It smells wonderful Peeta. Is it almost done?" I say looking over at him seeing his muscular back turned to me.

"It will be done in a few minutes. Sit down and relax. How was your shower?" he says as he turns around to look at me.

"My shower was great, I feel better about everything." I say to him, as I notice the smile on his face. I melt a little inside. I love his smile, every one of his beautiful white teeth can be seen when he smiles the way he is now. I smile back at him as he leans against the counter next to the stove.

We sit in silence for a while soaking in the way we both look, not knowing what to say. Then Peeta starts walking towards me. I stop breathing not knowing what will happen. When he reaches me he grabs my hand and pulls me up in to his embrace. I respond by burry my face in his strong neck, breathing in his scent. He smells of flour and freshly baked bread. I could stay here safe in his arms until the end of time if he would let me.

"I think dinner is almost done." He says as he gently pulls away from me. I let go of him, as he turns. I start to follow him to assist in getting dinner to the table. He turns to me as I do and says in a tender voice, "Its ok, I got it Katniss. Sit down, and relax."

I sit down at the table and wait. He places the pot of stew on the table in front of me and walks back to the oven and pulls out a small rack of cheese buns he had been warming up. As he sets down the buns I can't help but stare. The hunger in my stomach had momentarily disappeared while Peeta held me. But now it was back, causing my stomach to groan loudly, making Peeta turn to me with a silly grin on his face.

"Well I guess I don't have to ask how hungry you are!" He says laughing as he tosses me a bun.

I catch it and toss it from one hand to the next waiting for it to cool enough so I can hold it still. As I'm tossing it I start laughing with Peeta.

"It's not funny! It's hot!" I say, but we both keep laughing uncontrollably.

Even after the bun has cooled and I have stopped tossing it around we continue to laugh ourselves in to a state of bliss. Once the laughter has stopped Peeta sits next to me at the table, and begins dishing out the stew. As I take a bit of the stew I let out a small moan of pleasure at its taste.

"I see you like the stew. I used some meat I bought in town this afternoon. I think its beef. The Capitol sent it here." Peeta says with a small smile on his face.

"It's wonderful Peeta. Better than anything I could have ever made." I say taking a huge bite.

After we have finished dinner Peeta begins to pick everything up. As he reaches for my plate I place my hand over his, and look in to his eyes. As I stand up my hand still on his, I say "I got it. You sit for a while. I'll clean up."

As I stood up I grabbed my plate, keeping my eyes locked to his, I stole a kiss before I over thought what I was doing.


	5. Trying to Heal Peeta's POV

Chapter 5: Trying to Heal Peetas' Point of View.

As I open Katniss' door I can hear her sobs. Her back is turned to me, but that will probably make things easier. I close her door and slip in behind her placing my hand protectively on her waist. I can feel her pull away, but I won't let her this time. Instead I pull her closer, and gently make her listen to everything I should have said in front of the fire place. Her mild protest makes me nervous but I know I must continue on. If I don't who knows what she will do to herself.

I tell her all over again how much I love her, and the day all of me belonged to her. I tell her all this and more. I need her more than anything to understand and believe that I lay none of the blame on her, and I never will. She may not love me back now, and maybe she never will. But I can't let her go on thinking she will only cause me pain. The only way this beautiful young woman could cause me pain is if she isn't willing to heal, and live her life the way she wants to, the way I want her to, and the way Prim would want her to. No one in Panem blames her, except for herself. This world would still be living in fear of the wretched evil once known as President Snow, or even Coin if it wasn't for her. She saved us all, she saved our futures and the futures of generations to come. What she and the others who gave their lives have done can never be repaid. I know I had a part in destroying Panem's evil leaders, but I would never have found the strength to do so without her.

But for this day I will focus on my love for her. I will help her understand how the rest of the nation feels later on in our lives. Today and for days to come will be focused on making her understand my love for her will never change or be clouded again.

After I have told her everything I feel once more. We lay there in silence. I focus on her breathing, and I absorb as much of her as she will let me, by just staring at her here in the dark. After a few minutes of just lying there I feel her beginning to roll in my arms. Her grey eyes are on me in the dark, I raise my right hand to stroke her beautiful tear soaked cheek.

"_How can you want to stay here with me after all the terrible things I have done to your life?"_ she says. But she doesn't stop there.

"_You deserve better than me, and anything I could offer."_

Her words strike my heart in the most painful way anyone can imagine. How could she think she doesn't deserve me? I have wanted her from the very first day my father pointed her out in the crowd of children and parents. Having her in my life would only make me stronger, and help me heal. Having her in my life will make me nothing but happy. I put a stop to her protests and questions about my being with her, and reassure her there is no place I would rather be.

Once I was sure she knew where I stood I mustered up all my courage, and lightly kissed her soft lips. When I pull away her words make my heart soar, but what she does next makes me want to live in this moment forever, like the day on the roof of the training center before our second games.

When our lips part, I'm filled with nothing but happiness. As she places her forehead to mine, I can see that she is tired from all that has happened today. I'm sure she is emotionally raw inside. Katniss has never been good at dealing with her emotions, and today has been exceptionally emotional. The days, weeks, months and years to come will be filled with emotions. Some she will be able to handle others will send her in to a state of depression but today will leave her happy and that is all I can ask for. In the time that will come when we figure out how we will be in each other's lives our days will be like this. Leaving us raw and emotional, some days will leave us satisfied others will leave us confused and hurt. But today has been good for us both.

As I prepare to leave her room and finish making dinner Katniss grabs my hand. I pause, wanting to soak up her want for me. I turn back to face her and gently kiss her lips. _"You are going to be hungry soon Katniss. You haven't had anything to eat all day." _Is all I say before I leave the one place I really want to be.

As I enter the kitchen all I can do is smile as I dance around a little. I know that the woman I love knows how I feel once more. I come out of my happy daze as I hear the water beginning to run upstairs. I hurriedly make my way to her stove and turn up the heat to the stew I was preparing for her earlier. I remember the cheese buns and decide to warm them in the oven. I have a few minutes before I need to do anything else, so I begin to set the table for the two of us. I can't stop smiling as I think of everything I got to say to the beautiful woman upstairs.

After I have finished setting the table I return to the stove to tend to the stew. A thought enters my mind as I'm doing this. Katniss believes that I love her. But does she love me back? I thought she loved me once for a short while, but she never let me know. Hell I'm not even sure that she knew herself. She hasn't allowed herself to feel much since her father died and she was left alone with only her little sister, and a mother who couldn't leave her own state of depression. I have to give this time. If I rush her she will end up feeling nothing but contempt for me. Which is far from what I want.

I hear her enter the room quietly, disrupting my thoughts as she talks to me. I tell her dinner is almost done, then as I ask "…How was your shower?" I turn around to face her. I smile as I see her hair in its usual single braid. She smiles at me and I feel my insides turn over with excitement. As we stand there silently all I can think about is how much I want to hold and kiss her. I decide to make my way over to her. She looks confused and excited by my movement. As I pull her in to my arms I take in her scent. She smells slightly like wild strawberries, which is unusual but I like the scent all the same. I'm sure she wants to smell more like the woods that she hasn't entered since our return to District 12, instead of something from the capitol. I hear the stew boiling slightly, which signals to me that I have to end our embrace, even though I want nothing more than to stay with her like this forever.

"I think dinner is almost done." I say as I pull away. She slowly releases me from her grasp, which makes me yearn for her all the more. But I stay strong and turn away. As I am making my way to the stove I can hear her following me. I turn around to meet her grey eyes. I pause but only for a second, as I say "It's ok, I got it Katniss. Sit down, and relax."

She sits down as I begin taking everything to the table. As I am setting the buns down on the table I hear a loud groan coming from Katniss' stomach. I smile at her as I hold back a snigger. I toss her a bun laughing as she bounces it from hand to hand. Even when she tries to be serious about how hot the bun is I can't help but laugh.

Once our laughing fit is over we sit down to eat in relative silence, save for the small conversation about the stew. After we have finished our meal I stand and begin to grab our dishes when Katniss gently grabs my hand and says, "I got it. You sit for a while. I'll clean up."

Her statement is small as most of hers are. But I can see in her eyes she wants it to mean so much more than just picking up the dishes. Before I can think much more her lips find mine and I'm thrown in to a world with just the two of us in its entire existence.

_**Thank you to everyone who has reviewed my story. I will try to post new chapters at least once a week if not more. But as you know life happens and stuff falls to the wayside. I hope all of you will continue to enjoy my story. Please feel free to review my story and let me know of anything I can do to improve its quality. **_


	6. The Hunger

_**Authors note: I am thinking of putting both points of view in the same chapter as a way to make the chapters longer and to alleviate the repetitive chapter titles. I can go back and do this but before I do I would like some feedback from you and what you would like to see in chapters to come. Please read and review and don't forget to give me your personal opinions on my story. Thanks to all of you who have become followers, and have made **__**My life after the War**__** one of your favorite stories. I greatly appreciate it. **_

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Chapter 6: The Hunger

With that kiss the hunger I felt on the beach during our second games had returned. It frightened and excited me at the same time. I never wanted our kiss to end. Peeta seemed to have been feeling the same way because as I was thinking about pulling him up from his chair, he stood on his own taking the plate from my hand and placing it on the table as he pulled my body to his. After he placed the plate on the table he placed his right hand in the small of my back, and his left on my cheek as he pulled my face even closer to his. As he did this I could feel all the air leave my lungs out of surprise. I pulled away just enough to take a breath, and open my eyes only to find his locked in to mine once again. We looked in to each other's eyes for a few fleeting moments before I pressed my lips to his again.

As we stood there kissing one another I could feel the hunger increase. I parted my lips slightly and was shocked when Peeta didn't miss a beat and slipped his tongue in my mouth. As our tongues played in each other's mouths, my breathing began to become frantic and fleeting as the excitement in me swelled. I pulled away slightly to catch my breath. When I did this a little part of me felt empty, but this gave me the chance to notice that Peetas breath had also become erratic. This only seemed to give me courage to continue kissing him. I pressed my lips to his once more this time taking the lead, and placing my hands on his hips, pulling him even closer to me, if that was even possible. I soon gained the courage to explore even more of him. My hands abandoned his hips and slid up his shirt, to explore the body of the boy I wanted to be mine forever. His body tensed under my touch, which caused me to smile slightly as I continued to kiss him. But what he did next made the hunger grow tenfold.

Peeta removed his hands from my face and back, and picked me up only to place me on the dining table his mouth changed direction and focused on my neck causing a slight guttural cry to escape my lips. With his focus still on my neck, I scooted closer to the edge and wrapped my legs around his waist to pull him closer, our bodies melding in to one. A slight moan escaped his mouth, as I pulled him closer with my legs, and slightly dug my nails in to his shoulders. Whatever it was that caused my hunger for Peeta I could no longer deny. I wanted, and needed Peeta in every way. I could feel something other than hunger begin to make its presence known. I wasn't sure what it was at first, but as my heart pounded, and my stomach squirmed with every kiss Peeta gave me. I finally knew what I was feeling. It was love. This scared me, but I knew that I had to give my feelings a chance to settle, for my sake as well as Peetas.

Peetas' lips crashed in to mine once again, but this time his kisses were slower and filled with passion and desire, everything I was feeling for him. This drove me to the brink. I didn't understand how Peeta knew what I was feeling before I did, or how he knew the right time to show me, but I was loving every moment of our being in sync.

Before I could stop myself I was raising Peetas' shirt. His lips left mine as I pulled the shirt off him completely and threw it to the floor. I looked at his bare chest before me. His skin had similar pink marks to mine. But instead of finding it repulsive like I do with my own body, I thought he looked beautiful. His shoulders broad, strong and full of muscles that melded into his chest. His abdomen not falling far behind, with its lean yet muscular look. Everything about Peetas' body was perfect, I don't know how he did it but he made me feel more alive than I had in months.

I began to run my hands over his chest and shoulders exploring every muscle and noticing how they tensed under my touch. Peeta kissed me again but this kiss was different. It was short, and filled with nothing but love, and sweetness. I loved this kiss, even though I was sure I wouldn't like what was to follow.

"As much as I want to stay in this moment with you forever Katniss, I think we have had a very emotional day, and we should take things slow." Peeta said with a sad look on his face. After a short pause he continued.

"Why don't we pick up everything from dinner, and then go outside and look at the stars and get to know each other again." Peeta says looking a little embarrassed.

I feel the hunger leave my body and a wave of sadness mixed slightly with anger at his willingness to stop our kisses. But I realize he is right. We can't just begin our new relationship, if that is what you can call it, with kisses, we need to learn about each other again. We both have been through so much which has caused change in us both, Peeta maybe a little tougher than normal, and me damaged seemingly beyond repair.

"Ok." I say as I gingerly kiss his lips. I hop down from the table as he reaches down to grab his shirt. I turn my back to him as I begin to pick up our plates. As I turn back around I catch Peeta staring at me. But this stare is not one that I like. Peetas face is twisted and he looks like he is fighting something. When I realize he is having an attack. I move very slowly as I take the plates to the sink. I can feel the need to run away making its way through the recesses of my brain. But I fight it. Instead I stay out of his sight, and stay quiet so as not to trigger an episode.

Peeta hasn't moved in five minutes and as I stand behind him silently I try to figure out what could have caused the venom to take over his body again. The only thing I can think of is me. I knew I would cause him pain if he came back in to my life. I want my boy with the bread to stay with me forever, but how can I when my kisses cause him to flash to some false memory given to him by Snow and his sick helpers.

"Katniss...?" I hear Peeta say, looking confused.

"I'm here." I say causing him to turn toward the sink behind him where I am standing.

"Katniss, this was not your fault. It was me. I bent down and I flashed back to a time before we entered the games. I was back in the bakery that is all. I know what I was seeing was real. I promise this had nothing to do with you." Peeta says tears beginning to fall.

"Please, don't look so frightened Katniss. I am better at telling what is real or not real than I use to be. Please Katniss believe me." Peeta continues looking at me pleadingly.

"Peeta, I believe you. Please don't cry." I say moving closer to him.

When I reached him I expected for him to move away as I reach to embrace him but instead he greets my open arms. I held him while silent tears run down his face. I had no idea what he had seen, but I know that whatever it was that caused my boy with the bread to feel this way I wanted to put an end to it.

I could no longer feel his tears on my neck, but I continued to hold him. I had never been good at this sort of thing, and I felt awkward about it but I knew that if the roles were reversed right now he would be the one holding me like he had so many times before.

"I'm so sorry Katniss." I heard him whisper in to my neck.

"It's ok Peeta. I'm here." I say as I reach up to stroke the hair on the nape of his neck.

"Why don't you go in to the living room while I finish cleaning up, and when I'm done we can take that trip in to the back yard?" I say holding him in my arms.

"No, I will clean up. You can go grab a blanket and pick where we will look at the stars. I think cleaning up will give me a few minutes to get myself together." Peeta says as he pulls away from me.

"Really Peeta it is no big deal, I can take care of things." I say, but he is already clearing away the rest of the table.

"I got it. Go get the blanket, and pick the spot to watch the stars." Peeta says as he takes everything to the sink.

"Ok, but leave some stuff for me to do. It is my house after all." I say trying to lighten the mood as I am walking out of the room.

I wasn't really sure how I felt leaving him alone in my kitchen, but I know that he has to figure things out right now, and my being there may not help. As I walk up the stairs I think about the feeling of love I felt for Peeta and how I could still feel it in my heart. I began to wonder if I had felt this for Peeta all along. I know I felt something for Gale, but it was nothing compared to what I felt for Peeta. Throughout my life in District 12 before the war I told myself that I would never marry, and I never let myself feel anything for anyone other than Prim. But I think that somewhere deep down I always knew that Peeta would be the one to bring me back from oblivion, he would always be my dandelion in the snow, the person who would get through to me, if Prim was not around to do so. There was a part of me that wished I had allowed myself to see this sooner so that maybe Peeta would not have doubted my feelings, and would have had an easier time adapting after he was rescued all those months ago.

But I know better than anyone, the only concern I had was Prim and her safety, which all came crashing down anyways. Peeta was always there and I will never stop owing him in my mind even though I know he does not see it this way. Peeta is everything that a part of me wishes I could be, he's the one person left in this world that I can't live without. Even though I know that he is too good for me he will forever and always see me as the only girl has and will ever love, and I will always see him as my boy with the bread, my dandelion in the snow, and my savior.

As I'm searching for the blanket I know to be big enough for the two of us, the feeling of love stays with me, even though my mind is spinning. I finally find the blanket I was looking for. It's a simple red and green plaid blanket with fringe around the edges. It once belonged to my parents, but after my father died my mother stashed it away never wanting to see it again. But when we moved to Victors Village I took it and hid it in my room before she could do anything to stop me.

As I descend the stairs I can hear Peeta moving around in the kitchen. I walk to the entry way and stare at him for a few minutes. Even with his back to me I think he is the most handsome man I have ever seen. I smile to myself as I continue my way to the back yard. I hadn't been back here since before the games and even then I wasn't back here for long, since I had once preferred the woods. But I hadn't been there in so long I wasn't sure when I would make my way back, but at least I could enjoy the outdoors in small increments this way.

For the first time since I had moved to Victors Village I actually looked at my back yard and I realized how beautiful it was. All the grass was green, and the yard sloped upwards from the small back patio that was complete with a small outdoor furniture set picked by the stylists of the old capitol. In the back left corner of the yard was a tall maple tree full of green leaves. This was unlike anything I had ever seen in District 12 before. I walked to the center of the yard to lay out the blanket. As I did this I looked up and saw one of the most beautiful sights I had ever seen, the only thing that could make this moment better was Peetas' strong arms wrapped around me.

I decide to sit in the middle of the blanket my legs crossed forming the look of a pretzel, something I had seen in the bakery in 12 but I had never gotten the chance to eat. I looked up at the stars and was mesmerized by the vast world I was seeing before me. It was hard to believe that I was just one tiny little part of this world, as was everyone else. No one person more important than the other in the big scheme of things. But for me, Peeta would always be my world, the only thing that mattered, and the only thing that could make me happy.

I jumped as Peeta sat down next to me. I looked over to see that he was smiling sweetly at me.

"What is that smile for?" I ask smiling back.

"I was just watching you from the doorway, and the way the faint light from the patio hit you, all I could do was stare and admire your beauty." He says still staring.

I blush although I'm not entirely sure why. "Did you leave anything for me to take care of in the kitchen?" I ask not knowing how to respond to his last statement.

"No. I took care of everything. Now we can just sit out here and stare up at the night sky." Peeta says a smile still on his face.

"I told you I would help Peeta. You make it difficult to be helpful." I say attempting to scold him, but I fail miserably as I look in to his blue eyes and see nothing but happiness and peace. I don't know how the fearful look left his eyes so quickly after his episode, but I'm glad that it is gone and a happy look has replaced it.

"I know Katniss, but you looked so peaceful out here and I thought I would let you enjoy the feeling for as long as I could." He says as he looks up to the sky.

"It really is beautiful out here isn't it?" he states as he lays down on his back on the blanket.

I'm still sitting looking up when I feel his hand begin to rub my back in small circles. His touch makes me melt a little inside. I love all of his touches, they drive me crazy but I know I need to control myself. So I respond by looking over at him with a slight smile. He smiles back and I notice his eyes twinkle in the faint light from the patio.

Before I stop myself, I lay down next to Peeta. He moves his hand from my back and places his arm under my head as a pillow. I bring myself in close to him, and we both lay there looking up at the stars.


	7. The Hunger Peetas' POV

Ch. 7 The Hunger: Peetas' POV rough draft

With every movement Katniss made I wanted to match it. Everything she was doing was driving me crazy, and all I wanted to do was make her feel the same. I tried to anticipate every move Katniss was going to make, and it seemed to be working, she was surprised by every move and every touch I made. I was brought to a state of shock when I felt her hands slide under my shirt to explore my sensitive skin.

In an effort to try and hide my shock I picked Katniss up and placed her on the dining table and began to tenderly kiss her neck. The smell of strawberries invaded my nose as I explored this part of her body, making me want to devour her neck. My actions caused a reaction I could never have hoped for. Katniss let a slight moan escape her lips, I smiled against her neck as I continued with this act that seemed to cause her pleasure. Katniss was never one to let herself feel anything, out of fear. But this was a sign that with time things could change, we both just have to be patient, yet another thing Katniss was not good at. In the moment when she pulled my body closer to hers I let out a moan of my own, feeling her body so close to mine was all I had wanted for most of my life. I just wish she could understand what she does to me.

I redirected my mouth to hers. But this time I wanted her to understand that being with her was more than just a quick fix for our situation, I want to be with her forever, I feel nothing but love and want for her. All the passion I feel for her, all the love, all of every emotion known to man I wanted her to understand in my kiss. Judging by her reaction everything I feel for her came across, and she felt the same. As she removed my shirt, and stared at me I began to gather my thoughts. I wanted nothing more than to explore her beautiful body and for her to do the same. But we both still need time to heal, moving on to fast will only hinder the progress we have made since the war, and will continue to make in the time to follow tonight.

As I kissed her sweetly, I state with nothing but sadness in my tone _"As much as I want to stay in this moment with you forever Katniss, I think we have had a very emotional day, and we should take things slow." _After a short pause I continued_ "Why don't we pick up everything from dinner, and then go outside and look at the stars and get to know each other again."_

I can see Katniss thinking for a moment before she says _"Ok."_ And kisses my lips. Resisting the urge to take her face in my hands and kiss her lips again, I bend over to grab my shirt and that is when I am taken back in to Panem, before the war, before I was thrown in to the games. I was back in the bakery, standing in front of my mother.

"_What are you doing you worthless boy?" she yells as I cower a little from the harshness of her tone more than her words. I could not have been more than thirteen years old. My father is in the front of the bakery pretending that nothing is happening. I hated him for that. He didn't agree with the way she treated my brothers and I, but he was never brave enough to stop her. _

"_I am doing as you said Mom, I'm getting the ingredients for the bread ready for Dad." I say as I prepare myself for the smack of a life time. _

"_How dare you lie to me!" she screams as she hits me square in the chest with one of the many rolling pins in the bakery. "I saw you looking out the window at that seam rat! She is scum! How dare you even think of looking at such an ugly smear on this Earth!" She hits me again as I am trying to recover from her previous blow, only this time she hits me across the face with the back of her hand sending me to the floor. She was a strong woman, from the years of work in the bakery._

"_She is not ugly, she's beautiful!" I scream back at her from the ground, as tears spill down my cheeks more from her insults than her strikes which I had grown accustomed to._

"_You ungrateful little brat, I'll show you!" she reaches down for me, but I roll out of her way, which only makes her more furious. _

"_Oh so you think a girl like that will love an ugly boy like you. Why would she do that when she could have one of her fellow seam rats or any other man in this district? You have got to be one of the ugliest boys I have ever seen. I doubt you will grow up to be anything more than plain. You have the personality of a dried up slice of bread, and the looks of one too. You will be nothing more than a lonely old baker, if you even manage to do anything in your life properly. Nothing you ever do will be enough to impress that nasty little tart." She says as she makes another grab for me. _

_I get out of her way once more as I shout "You wouldn't know what a beautiful person was if one hit you in the face you wretched cow. You are nothing but ugly inside and out. You hate everyone because you hate yourself. I love Katniss, and I will do everything I can to marry her one day, and you will have nothing to do with our lives. I hate you. I hope you die alone wishing you had been better to all the people around you."_

_This only seems to fuel her hatred for me. She makes wild throws with the rolling pin in her hand. She manages to land one on my arm as I make my way out the back door, the only place I know of that is safe from her angry beatings. _

"_You had better stay out there, you rotten boy." She shouts from the back door. _

I come to in the Kitchen realizing what has happened. _"Katniss...?" I say confused._

"_I'm here."_ I hear her say behind me. I turn to face her at first not knowing what to say, but the moment I see her face I know what she is thinking.

"_Katniss, this was not your fault. It was me. When I bent down I flashed back to a time before we entered the games. A time before we had much to do with each other, a time back in the bakery that's all. I know what I was seeing was real. I promise this had nothing to do with you."_ I say as tears make their way down my face. I know that in some ways what I said to her could be construed as a lie, but in my mind Katniss had nothing to do with my mothers' reaction, the truth is I didn't have to look at Katniss to get that reaction, it truthfully could have been any one.

"_Please, don't look so frightened Katniss. I am better at telling what is real or not real than I use to be. Please Katniss believe me."_ It's all I can do not to fall to my knees and beg her to understand. When I hear her say, _"Peeta, I believe you. Please don't cry."_ as she makes her way to me.

When Katniss reaches out for me it was like looking at a whole new person. She is not the comforting type, but it looks as if for me she's willing to try. I willingly let her embrace me as I silently let the tears fall from my eyes. After some time I whispered with my face still in her neck

"_I'm so sorry Katniss." _

"_It's ok Peeta. I'm here"_ she replies back as she begins to stroke the short hairs on the nape of my neck.

I let her stroke my neck for a time before I hear her say, _"Why don't you go in to the living room while I finish cleaning up, and when I'm done we can take that trip in to the back yard?" _

I consider doing as she says but I know I need some time alone to sort out my feelings and reaction to my episode. If I don't it could come back, and more than anything I want to stay in this reality. The one where I get to look in to the eyes of the woman I love and see every emotion I feel for her being reflected back at me.

"_No, I will clean up. You can go grab a blanket and pick where we will look at the stars. I think cleaning up will give me a few minutes to get myself together."_ I say as I unwillingly pull away from her warm embrace.

"_Really Peeta it is no big deal, I can take care of things."_ Katniss protests, but I am already clearing away everything from the table to place it in the sink.

"_I got it. Go get the blanket, and pick the spot to watch the stars."_ I continue.

"_Ok, but leave some stuff for me to do. It is my house after all."_ Katniss says trying to remove the worry from her tone and brow unsuccessfully.

As Katniss leaves the room I can tell that she is struggling with the decision. I don't blame her at all. I was frozen in place just moments ago in her dining room stuck in a memory I wanted nothing more than to leave. As I stand in front of the sink removing all the dishes and preparing the hot soapy water I am taken back to that dreadful day. How I wished that was a false memory that Snow had had implanted in my brain, but it unfortunately was not.

My mother had always made it clear that I was her least favorite son. I'm not really sure that she liked any of us that much, but I know for certain that I was her least favorite. She could tolerate my other two brothers, some days even boarder on slight niceness. But she did nothing but hurt me mentally, emotionally and physically from the moment I mentioned Katniss after my very first day of school. I remember coming home from school and excitedly telling my mother how I had fallen in love with the most beautiful girl in the world, and that I would marry her someday. When she asked who the girl was, her attitude towards me changed forever. She went from tolerating me and maybe even slightly loving me to hating me, and doing everything in her power to make me despise life.

Who would have guessed that declaring my love for Katniss would change my life as many times as it has. If Katniss knew how much her presence has changed my life I'm sure she would leave for good, not knowing that all I will ever want and need in life is her right next to me from now through the rest of our lives and beyond.

I feel the apprehension that plagued me earlier leave my body as I wash the dishes and think back on how my life has changed. I know that I will have to fight to keep myself under control for the rest of my life, but I think with Katniss by my side it will be easier and I know I will be able to do it. I know I don't want to try without her in my life. I smile to myself as I think about her. She has no idea what every little move she makes does to me. As I stand there smiling like a fool to myself I hear her come down the stairs. I keep my back to her not wanting her to see the ridiculous smile on my face.

That's when I realize that all I have to think about to smile most days is Katniss. It doesn't have to be in a sexual way, it can be as simple as thinking about the smile that so rarely makes itself present on her face, or the way she furrows her brow when she is deep in thought or confused. These were a few of the pure moments that Snow could never take away from me no matter how hard he tried. I fought against him to the very end, and while for a time it may have seemed like he would win, when those moments made themselves present I was reminded of love and happiness. Feelings that were fleeting in Panem, and especially in the horrid area where I was kept captive. I shiver a little as I finish the dishes. Not wanting to ruin what is left of my evening with Katniss, I turn my thoughts to happier ones. Like the beautiful woman waiting for me in the back yard.

As I stand in the door way to the back yard, I can't help but lean against the door frame and stare at Katniss. She looks so beautiful and at peace sitting looking up at the night sky. If only she could see what I see. I silently laugh to myself at this thought. If she could see what I see she would be over analyzing the situation, not to mention ignoring the beauty of it all. She would without a doubt furrow her brow and tell me there is nothing special about the way she looks or about this moment. She has spent so much of her life letting beauty go unnoticed.

We both may be covered in scars but we made it through everything the capitol had to throw at us, and that in itself contained enough beauty to last a life time. I found my way back to her, the best place in the world, and she was making great strides to letting me in and finding her way to me. I decide to make my way to the blanket in silence, all the while smiling. As I sit down next to her she jumps. Seeing my smile Katniss quizzically looks at me before saying,

"_What is that smile for?"_

Still smiling I answer, _"I was just watching you from the doorway, and the way the faint light from the patio hit you, all I could do was stare and admire your beauty."_

She blushes at my statement, and quickly changes the subject, I'm sure as a way to distract herself more than me. She never was good at taking compliments.

"_Did you leave anything for me to take care of in the kitchen?"_

Without missing a beat, I answer, _"No. I took care of everything. Now we can just sit out here and stare up at the night sky."_

She scrunches up her face as she hears my response.

"_I told you I would help Peeta. You make it difficult to be helpful_." She says making a failed attempt at scolding my good deed of the night.

"_I know Katniss, but you looked so peaceful out here and I thought I would let you enjoy the feeling for as long as I could." _I say as I look up at the vast dark sky above our heads.

"_It really is beautiful out here isn't it?"_ I continue as I lay on my back.

As Katniss continues her gaze up at the sky, I decide to make her back my canvas for the time being. I want to remember this moment for years to come, and I know that painting this moment will keep it alive forever. After enjoying my small strokes on her back for a time Katniss looks over at me with the slightest of smiles on her face. I can't help it as my face cracks in an even bigger smile. I want to kiss her in this moment, and I think she can sense this. But instead of leaning down to kiss me she lays next to me. I place my arm under her head, and she draws herself even closer to me, and we spend the night looking up at the stars, holding each other in moments of sheer bliss.


	8. Decisions

Chapter 8: Decisions

The next morning I wake up in my bed, beside a note with Peeta's hand writing.

_Katniss, _

_I brought you to your room last night after you fell asleep. I hope you don't mind. I left you some bread to enjoy in the morning when you wake and get around. I will be over tomorrow after I get some rest. You don't have to let me in or see me if you don't want to, but I hope you will._

_Always Yours, _

_Peeta._

As I finish reading his note, I realize how much I already missed his presence, and then it hit me. Last night was the first night since Prims death that nightmares hadn't plagued my sleep. I smile to myself. I know exactly why my night was peaceful, and it was all thanks to Peeta.

As I get up from my bed I take Peetas' note in my hands and place it on my dresser. I decide I should shower and then figure out what to do with the rest of my day before Peeta arrives. After grabbing undergarments, a plain black tee shirt, and a pair of jeans, I enter my bathroom and begin my usual routine. But today instead of braiding my hair down my back, I leave it down. I'm not sure why I decide to do this, but something tells me to just let go for a while.

I leave my room and make my way down the stairs to my kitchen. When I enter my dining and kitchen area I am taken back to last night. The smell of the food, the light conversation and the kisses. I catch myself smiling for the second time, and it makes me feel like a silly girl. In the past I had never cared about anything other than survival, and now that I can live without fear I don't know how to react. A large part of me wants to revert to the way things were before the games, but a small part wants to try and live without fear, and for more than just survival. Today that small part seems to make itself more prominent than usual, and I want to fight it. But something stops me. Something deep inside that I am unfamiliar with. Something that Peeta has awakened.

"Well hello Sweetheart." I hear Haymich say as he drew me out of my daze.

"What do you want Haymich?" I say my mood instantly souring.

"I just thought I would come and see why lover boy left your house so late last night. Were you two getting close again?" He says with a mischievous grin on his face. As he walks closer to me, I can smell the alcohol on his breath.

"What are you talking about Haymich? He just came over to help me." I retort trying to put more distance between us, unsuccessfully.

"Oh Sweetheart, you are so innocent." He says stumbling to a nearby chair.

"Haymich, what do you want? I am in no mood to deal with your drunkenness." I spat not totally understanding what he was talking about.

"I already told you. I was curious about your late night visitor. Don't play coy with me Sweetheart I saw that kiss on the beach. I know there is more to what is going on between you and Peeta than what you are letting on to." Haymich says while swaying in his chair.

Confused by what the drunkard was saying I make my way closer to him in hopes of being able to shoo him out of my house.

"I think it is time for you to go. You need to get the alcohol out of your system. Maybe then you will make some sense." I say as I struggle to get him out of the chair.

"Oh come on Sweetheart, you can't be that dense can you? I mean really, are you just going to act like everything is business as usual?" he says as I push him down the hallway to the front door.

"Haymich I have no idea what you are talking about." I can feel the anger in me begin to rise to the surface.

"You need to leave, and be drunk somewhere else. I don't want to deal with you right now. Come back when you can make sense. Or better yet don't come back, I'll check on you once I feel you have sobered up." I say to him as I push him out the door.

"Whatever you…" Hiccup "say Sweetheart" He says making his way from my house to his.

After closing my door I make my way back to my kitchen to get something to eat. What did Haymich mean when he said, "business as usual?" or anything else he said really? I know he was drunk, but why did he always come to find me when he is looking for a person to pick on? How is it that he could always bring out the worst in me? I think to myself as I take a couple slices of bread and begin to devour them. As I finish my bread I decide to leave my anger and thoughts about Haymich behind.

I make my way to my living room, not knowing what else to do with my day. I consider going to the woods, but decide against it. I'm not ready to face any demons that are waiting for me there. Instead I lie on my couch and stare at my ceiling. I begin to think about what Haymich could possibly have meant by his drunken conversation with me. Was it really bad that Peeta left my house so late? And what did he think it meant? What would everyone in town think it meant? Maybe Haymich was right about me being innocent, or maybe I am just oblivious, or ignorant. Any of those would serve as a reasonable solution to my current predicament. I will just have to confront Peeta about this. Maybe he can tell me what Haymich meant, and maybe just maybe he can shed some light on some of my social pitfalls.

I don't know how long I was lying back on my couch, but I was brought out of my thoughts by a quiet knock on my door. I quickly get to my feet, realizing that it is probably Peeta. But to my dismay my guest is not who I was expecting but instead Greasy Sae. I think she can see the disappointment on my face because she hesitates slightly before entering my house.

"I see you have finally decided to try and take care of yourself." She says making her way past me. I close the door behind us and follow her to the kitchen.

"I am trying to, yes." I reply not knowing what else to say.

"I see that boy has been over here." She says with a slight smile on her face. This makes me uncomfortable. I don't know what she is getting at, but I think it has something to do with what Haymich was talking about earlier.

"He was yes. He just wanted to help. Nothing else. Why does it matter?" I say a frown forming on my face.

"I meant nothing by it Katniss. I think it is good for both of you to talk again. You both need someone to talk to, and you two already know what the other has been through. I think you two will be able to help each other heal, and maybe someday you both can leave the old world behind, and help future generations know and understand what the world was once like." Sae finishes looking me in the eyes.

My face relaxes as I realize Greasy Sae is right.

"Ok." I answer as she looks away from me, and begins to look around my kitchen.

"What are you looking for?" I ask realizing she is clearly not finding whatever it is that she is looking for.

"I had intended on coming over here and picking up after you and Peeta. But I can see one or both of you has already taken care of it." She says looking slightly disappointed, as I shake my head signaling that we had indeed already taken care of everything.

We are both silent for a while before she starts to speak again.

"Katniss, before I go, I want you to listen to me." Sae says.

I shake my head signaling that I am willing to listen to her.

"Don't push him away. I know you are going to want to make him leave when he gets to close. But you need to understand that that boy will wait for you forever, and sending him away will break his heart. He won't move on from you, and I think he is the man you need in your life. Let him in. Take your time, but make sure you let him in and love him as much as you can." She leaves the kitchen and lets herself out of my house leaving me standing alone in my kitchen to think about what she has just said.

I'm slightly dumb founded by what she says. I know that she is right but how does she know what I am going to do before I do. I make my way to my living room once again to sit on my couch still slightly dumb founded. I'm beginning to think that most people know me better than I know myself.

"Katniss?" I hear Peeta say as he enters my house.

I'm silent for a few seconds before answering, "I'm in here."

"Hey, what are you doing?" he says as he enters the living room.

Coming out of my daze I say "Uh… nothing."

"You always were a terrible liar Katniss." Peeta says not pushing the subject as he sits next to me on the couch.

"Sorry." I say looking at him wondering if he knows what I am thinking.

"Don't be sorry, you have no need to be sorry. What would you like to do today?" He says looking at me curiously.

"Ah… I have no idea. What would you like to do?" I answer truthfully. I had spent most of my morning trying to figure out what everyone else seems to have already figured out.

"I asked you. But I think we should go for a walk in to town." He says looking away from me.

"Do you think we can handle it?" I say trying to meet his eyes.

"I don't know. But I think that if you are willing to go things will be easier, and I think that we both need to leave our own little world here in Victors Village once in a while. Since I'm sure you won't be going to the woods any time soon, we can start small. We don't even have to go all the way to town today, but I think getting out will help us." He says meeting my gaze looking hopeful.

"Let's go. Like you said we don't even have to go all the way to town today, we can take it slow." I say smiling at him.

We get up and make our way for the door. We walk a little ways down the road in silence. I'm nervous. All I want to do is walk back to my house and stay there forever. But I know that turning back now will only make me a coward, which is something I have never considered myself.

"Are you ok?" Peeta says bringing me out of my thoughts.

"Uh…Yea. I think so." I say still feeling unsure of the situation.

"We can turn back if you think this is far enough Katniss. It's ok, I will understand." He says stopping us both and looking at me head on.

I stand looking in to his eyes for a few moments before I say "No. Let's keep going. I think I can do this."

"Then let's do it together." Peeta says as he grabs my hand.

With Peeta holding my hand I feel much stronger. I don't understand why but this simple gesture makes me feel less afraid of what might happen. So I happily accept it. With Peetas' hand in mine I think I can be as brave as I was before Prim died. We reach the end of Victors Village in what seem like no time at all. I feel my previous bouts of apprehension come back. I unintentionally squeeze Peetas hand, but he doesn't seem to mind. In fact he seems to enjoy the fact that I have squeezed his hand. He smiles at me and gently squeezes my hand back.

"Are you ready to go in to town or do you want to stop here?" He says stopping once again to look at me.

"Uh let's keep going I will tell you when I am ready to turn back." I say holding his hand even tighter.

As we walk in to town I begin to think about how people will react to seeing us. I know many of them have seen Peeta but that's because he wanted to move on. He wanted to heal enough to be able to be around me, and he was willing to do what he had to. But me, I chose to avoid the problem, I wanted to die. I can't imagine that there are many people who want me around, and I don't blame them. I am the cause of their pain, and for that I will never forgive myself.

As we get to the center of town I begin to hyperventilate. I want to stop because seeing all of the citizens of District 12 makes the memories of the war come flooding back.

"Katniss, it's ok. Remember we can turn around." Peeta says feeling the change in my movements.

"Hello there Peeta. Nice to see you today." Says a man waving as he passes by.

"Hello, Thom. Nice to see you to." Peeta replies taking his eyes off of me momentarily.

"I see you got Miss Everdeen to leave her hideout." Thom says with a smile on his face.

"It's nice to see you too Katniss. I hope to see you again." Thom says as he walks away.

"See you later Thom." Peeta says still looking at me.

I stand there holding on to Peetas hand, feeling confused. That man acted as if I was just another citizen. He didn't seem to blame me at all.

"Peeta." I say confused.

"Yea Katniss?" He says looking at me worriedly.

"I think I need to go back." I say on the verge of hyperventilating.

"Ok, let's go." Peeta says steering me around quickly still looking worried.

"Wait." I say as I catch a glimps of a building that was in the final stages of its rebuilt.

Peeta stops in his tracks and turns to face me. "Are you ok Katniss?" he says gently turning my face to meet his.

"Is that the bakery?" I ask, feeling tears starting to make their way to the surface.

"Yes, it is. I have been helping to rebuild as much as I could. I plan on running it when it opens. I think having a bakery will help me heal. I think it will be another step to normality around here." He answers still looking worried.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask the tears slowly beginning to fall.

"Oh God, Katniss. Don't cry." He says pulling me close to him.

"I didn't think you would want to hear about what was going on in town. I wasn't sure you would make it this far in to town on our first outing." He answers, sounding nothing but apologetic.

He wasn't wrong about one thing. I really didn't want to hear about what was going on in town. But not because I wasn't curious, I didn't want to hear anything out of fear. People moving on meant that everything I went through was real. It meant that Prim really was dead, and it meant Peeta was taken from me. But it also meant that Peeta found his way back. It meant that people are ready to make a new world, one where we are all safe.

"Don't be sorry." I say in to Peetas neck.

"I want to see it. I want to see the one building that means the most to you." I say pulling away from him.

"No Katniss, you aren't ready I can see that now. I pushed you too far, too fast." Peeta says hurriedly, looking on the verge of tears himself.

"Peeta, I need to do this, and I need you to do it with me. Ok?" I say looking him in the eyes.

"Ok." He says as he wipes a tear off my cheek.

"I will take you to see the bakery, but after that we can leave if you want to. Ok?" Peeta finishes taking both of my hands in his.

"Ok." I say keeping his right hand in my left as I turn and walk towards what will be the bakery in no time.

When we reach the bakery, both of us stop outside of the doors, and look in wonderment. This new bakery was similar to the old one, but there we many things that were different. This bakery looked like a welcoming place that was bright, vibrant, and full of life. Just like Peeta. The old bakery, was bleak, and haunted by the many hungry people of 12.

"It's beautiful Peeta." I say just loud enough for the two of us to hear.

"Do you want to go inside?" He asks looking at me hopefully.

"Yes." I answer smiling at him.

When we enter the bakery, it's like entering a whole new world. There are wooden tables with two to four chairs a piece, depending on their size and shape. The counter has a top of what looks like smooth rock, maybe granite, kind of like something you would have seen in the capitol. The bottom half of the counter is smooth shiny wood that looks very similar to the counter top, but is quite obviously wood. Facing the font doors still attached to the counter is a glass case with racks in it for the bread, and the register is right next to the case. The counter top curves inward to the bakery and straightens out again until it meets a wall, where the kitchen appears to be. About halfway down the counter it looks like there is a walkway but it is blocked by the counter top.

"Won't it be hard to walk underneath the counter top Peeta?" I ask walking to the apparent walk way.

Peeta laughs a bit before saying "We aren't meant to walk under it Katniss. The counter top lifts up."

He walks up to the counter top and lifts it, the whole time smiling at me.

"Oh." I say feeling my face turn red.

"Want to look in the back?" He asks already making his way through the walkway.

"Sure." I say trying to make myself feel less pathetic.

When we get to the back, I'm shocked by what I see. Everything is shiny and new. The capitol apparently thought rebuilding the bakery for Peeta was a great plan. He has four ovens each with digital settings. Everything in the room is stainless steel. He has what appears to be an endless supply of flour and other ingredients waiting to be used in a pantry and refrigerator. I look over at Peeta, and he appears to have lost the ability to use words. He just looks around in wonderment. I let him take his time. I want him to be happy and this place seems to have done just that. I watch him as he touches everything gently.

"All of this is mine." He says looking up at me.

I smile at him. "Yes it is."

Peeta makes his way over to me, and gently kisses my lips. I'm taken aback by his abrasiveness but I kiss him back once I figure out what has happened. I don't know how long we stand there in each other's arms but I begin to feel uncomfortable. When I open my eyes and break our kiss I know why. Three men have entered the back door.

"Hello there!" One of them says as he smiles. "Can we help you with something?" He continues, while the other two try to hide their snickers.

"Oh…Uh…" I begin as Peeta turns around.

"Hey Peeta!" says the same man.

"Hey, Cole." Peeta says turning a little red in the face.

"What are you doing here?" says Cole smirking at the two of us.

"We were just taking a look around." Peeta answers quickly.

"Uh huh. Right, looking around. Well if you don't mind we are going to get back to work. Will we be seeing you tomorrow?" Cole says as the other two make their way past Peeta and I.

"Oh yea, we were just leaving." Peeta says, grabbing my hand.

"Uh, I think I will be here tomorrow. I will let you know for sure in the morning." He continues as we make our way to the front doors of the shop.

"Ok. Talk to you tomorrow then." Cole says as we leave the bakery.

"Well that was embarrassing." Peeta says smiling at me, as we walk hand in hand towards Victors Village.

"Yes it was." I answer smiling to myself a little. I have never seen Peeta turn red and get embarrassed like that before. It wasn't uncommon for me to get that way, but not Peeta, he is stronger, and can control himself. I liked seeing him like this he seemed to find the situation funny. I hoped I would never see him embarrassed in a way that he couldn't laugh about it.

We walked back to my house hand in hand laughing the whole way. Once we reached my front door we both calmed down enough to unlock it, but the smiles never leave our faces.


	9. Decisions Peetas' POV

**Chapter 9: Decisions Peetas POV**

After staring up at the stars for a few hours I notice that Katniss's breathing has become deep and even. I look down to see that her eye are closed comfortably, and she looks peaceful. Something I know she hasn't been for a long time. I can't help but stare at her beauty. If only she knew that I lived for the moments where I got to be with her.

I don't know how long I laid there looking at Katniss, but I noticed that the stars were beginning to disappear. I decided I should take her up to her bed and I should try to get some rest myself. I slowly removed my arm from under her head, so as not to wake her. I then knelt down and picked her up and cradled her small frame in my arms. I carefully make my way through the house with sleeping Katniss in my arms.

When I reach her bedroom, I slowly bend down and place her on the edge of her bed. I carefully pull the blankets from under her and gently roll her further in to her bed and cover her up. I leave her room and make my way down the stairs to find a piece of paper to leave her a note for her to read when she wakes. It takes me a moment to figure out the best way to tell her where I have gone without making her feel uncomfortable or awkward about last night. I make my way back up the stairs to place the note on the bed next to her. When I get to her door I watch her sleep momentarily before bending down and lightly kissing her forehead. In her sleep a small smile makes its way across her face. If only she knew her sleeping face gives everything she is feeling away. As I am leaving the room I turn to get one last glimpse of the woman I love sleeping peacefully.

Making my way to my house all I can think about is the wonderful moments I shared with Katniss. Today we had taken small steps in the direction of healing, and I can't wait to continue to make progress with her every day for the rest of our lives. Quickly entering my house I grab the bread promised to Katniss in my note. Exiting my house as quickly as I had entered it I make my way back to Katniss'. When I reach her front door I quietly open it and head for the kitchen. I leave the bread on the counter before making my way to her back yard. Once there I look fondly at the spot where we had previously lain. Reaching down I grab the blanket intending to place it in the house. I fold the blanket as I walk to the open back door. A slight wind picks up causing me to catch Katniss' scent. My insides tremble, God how I love the way she smells.

I place the blanket on the back of her couch, before returning to her back door. I turn the patio light off and lock the door. That's when I feel something rub against my legs. I look down in to the smashed face of Prims cat, Buttercup.

"Hello there Buttercup" I whisper as I bend down to pet the normally grouchy cat. But to my surprise he accepts my affection, I'm sure this is because Katniss has somewhat neglected the poor thing. I know this to be true because the two of them have always hated one another, but I'm sure that Buttercup knows the girl that he depended on is dead and that Katniss is who he has to depend on now. Although he seemed to like me a bit, maybe I could be another person he could trust.

Buttercup walks away, so I take my chance and make my way out the door. I see a light coming from Haymichs' house, which makes me nervous. That's when I see him lurking in his living room window. I know this won't end well but I decide it can wait until tomorrow. He should be nice and drunk by now so he probably won't be up until late in the afternoon, which will give me enough time to talk to Katniss, and make him leave her alone. When I reach my house I don't bother turning on any lights I just head straight to my bedroom. My house is identical to every other house in Victors Village, only mine is slightly larger due to my now deceased family being larger. But all in all every house in Victors Village has the same design. Three levels, a basement, a main floor, and a second story. All bedrooms and a bathroom or two on the second floor, a study, living room, kitchen, dining, and a bathroom on the main floor, and the basement that is more like a storage area. The room number only varying slightly in the event of larger families. When I reach my room I flop myself on to my bed and gladly greet the sandman.

When I wake the sun is fully up and I'm sure that Katniss has been up for some time now. I slowly make my way in to a sitting position rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I sit there for a few minutes thinking about how productive the previous day was, this brings the first smile of the day and hopefully not the last. I get up and stretch before entering my bathroom.

Once in there I remove my clothing. I was so tired last night I hadn't bothered to change. Leaving my clothes on the floor I start the water and test the temperature. Once the water is just the way I like it I jump in. Unlike the showers in the capitol the ones in Victors Village are relatively simple in their design. The buttons that release the soaps are labeled, shampoo, conditioner, and body wash. I've only used the first row of the soaps, but for each type there are four buttons. I'm guessing for varying scents. As I'm finishing my shower, I realize I still need to try and catch Haymich before he upsets Katniss. This thought makes me hurry through the rest of my shower.

I shut the water off, get out of the shower, grab a towel and quickly place it around my waist. I step in to my bed room still dripping wet, but I know that I will need to hurry if I plan on catching Haymich before he does something stupid. I reach my dresser and pull out a pair of blue and green plaid boxers, jeans, and a white tee shirt. I quickly take my towel and dry my body and slip my clothes on. I then take the towel and run it over my hair to soak up some of the moisture. As I'm reaching for a pair of socks I hear my front door open.

"Who's there?" I yell leaning out of my bedroom door way.

"Who do you think it is boy?" I hear Haymich yell up my stairs.

"Don't try to come up here Haymich. Go sit in my dining room or something, I will be down in a few minutes." I say slightly irritated.

I go back in to my room and finish getting dressed. I run a comb through my hair making it look presentable after messing it up in the towel. I put on my tennis shoes and make my way down the stairs. A part of me is glad that Haymich has shown up, but another part of me really wishes he would leave so I can spend the day with Katniss, that's if she wants to spend time with me of course. I enter my dining room and immediately see Haymich sitting in a chair facing me with a huge mischievous grin on his face.

"Well good morning lover boy, or should I say good afternoon seeing as you have slept away most of the morning?" Haymich says the smile never leaving his face.

"What do you want Haymich? I know you saw me leaving Katniss' house last night, and I can guarantee it is not what you think." I state trying to make it clear that he shouldn't mess with me today.

"Oh, so that was you. I just thought I would make sure." Haymich says swaying slightly in his seat. Great he is still drunk. Just what I wanted to deal with.

"You know very well it was me." I say making my way to the kitchen to make coffee.

"Why are you so interested in what Katniss and I are or are not doing?" I say looking up from the coffee maker momentarily.

"Well I have to keep up on what my victors are doing don't I?" he says slurring his words slightly.

"No, you don't. We want you in our lives. Well I want you in mine I can't speak for Katniss. I don't have anyone left except you and Katniss. But you have got to learn some boundaries." I say grabbing coffee cups from one of my cupboard.

Haymich sits in the chair silently for a few moments, seemingly thinking about what he should say next.

"Well I can tell you whatever you were hoping to happen between you and that girl she doesn't have any clue about how it looks when you leave her house so late, or should I say early." He says chuckling to himself. I feel my heart sink. He has already been to her house, and probably messed everything up. I have to fix this. But first I have to find out what the stupid drunk said to her.

"What did you do? What did you say to her?" I ask my anger spilling over in to my tone.

"Haha oh wouldn't you like…" hiccup "to know." He says, knowing fully well that it will irritate me to no end.

"HAYMICH!" I yell trying to control myself. Since the high jacking my fuse is a little shorter. But I have noticed it seems exceedingly so when Katniss is the subject.

"You need to tell me what you said to her now! If you have ruined anything I will hurt you myself." I say getting my anger slightly under control.

"Oh calm down lover boy. I just asked her why you were leaving her house so late, and what you two were up to. That's all." Haymich says apparently deciding that it was best to answer me.

"That had better be all you said." I say forcing the cup of hot coffee in to his hands.

"You need to loosen up there lover boy. She is so innocent she doesn't know how to handle her own feelings let alone comprehend them or understand what others may think." He says before taking a drink of the strong black coffee I brewed in the hopes of sobering him up enough to get home.

"You don't understand Haymich she needs time, and I am willing to give her all the time she needs. I don't want to rush anything, and you don't need to butt in and make things harder for her. Pick on me all you want but leave her alone, at least until she has made enough progress to put you in your place again." I say sitting in the chair across from him.

"Look kid, I will make you a deal. I will leave her alone if you make sure that you both get better." Haymich says momentarily being serious.

"Ok." I say looking at him suspiciously.

"Plus the sooner the two of you get better the sooner I can get back to not giving a shit." He says returning to his drunken stupor.

"Whatever you say Haymich." I say before I take another drink of my coffee.

"Well as great as this bitter crap is, I think I will be heading back to my place. I threw Katniss off my trail so you don't have to worry about her knowing I was here." He says shakily getting up from the chair.

"I'll be over to check on you tomorrow, to make sure you are still alive." I say as I follow him to the front door.

"Yea whatever." He says making his way over to his house.

I stand in the doorway to be sure that he is indeed going to his house and not making another trip to Katniss's house. Once he is inside his house, I go back inside mine, to clean up and get something to eat before going to see Katniss.

When I finish I make my way to my front door only to see that Sae is entering Katniss's house. I decide to wait a while, not wanting to interrupt anything Sae has to say. I'm not sure what I want to do at first, but then I flash back to Katniss asleep on my chest last night. I make my way back up stairs and enter the bedroom that I have converted in to the place I paint.

When I first arrived here I locked myself in my house, and stayed in this room and painted everything running through my head. At first everything was dark and bleak. When I painted Katniss she was always a mutt, and all I wanted to do was kill her. But the more I painted the more the good memories came back. Eventually I started painting things less gruesome, and slowly, Katniss transformed from a mutt to the beautiful girl I knew she was. Painting helped me to make sense of what I was seeing. It helped me identify the shiny memories from the real. I knew that some of my bad memories of Katniss were real, but the only ones that killed me were the ones of her neglect of what I felt for her. But nothing killed me more than her choosing Gale.

I close my eyes and shake my head to clear it. I had to think back to last night, to remember her beautiful face as she slept in my arms. When I open them all I see in my mind's eye is her. I sat down in front of one of my blank canvases. I grab my paint pallet and begin to place the colors I want on it. I pick up my brush and begin to make my familiar strokes. I remembered how the light from the patio made Katniss' face glow, and how perfect she looked. I let every brush stroke capture what I wanted to remember forever.

As I finished painting her face I realized it was probably safe to go to her house. I set my pallet down and begin to clean up. I keep looking at the work I have done so far, and all I can think is if only knew how beautiful she is. She of course will never believe me, but maybe one day she will see this painting, and she will understand how I see her. I finish cleaning up my materials and I make my way down the stairs and out my front door. When I reach her door I momentarily freeze up. What if she doesn't want to let me in? I gather my senses and decide not to leave her with a choice. She can kick me out if she wants but I know I need to see her, even if it is only for a few minutes.

"_Katniss?" I say as I enter her house. Everthing is silent for a few seconds and then I hear._

"_I'm in here." Coming from her living room. I enter her living room to see her sitting on her couch looking dazed and confused. _

"_Hey what are you doing?" I say._

"_Uh… nothing." She says obviously feeling disrupted from her thoughts._

"_You always were a terrible liar Katniss." I say not wanting to invade her space as I sit on the couch next to her._

"_Sorry." She says looking at me curiously._

"_Don't be sorry, you have no need to be sorry. What would you like to do today?" I say mimicking her expression. _

"_Ah… I have no idea. What would you like to do?" She says looking at me still slightly dazed._

"_I asked you. But I think we should go for a walk in to town." I say looking away from her hoping she doesn't throw me out of her house. _

"_Do you think we can handle it?" She says curving her head in an attempt to meet my gaze._

I choose my next words carefully knowing that what I say will make the difference between getting her to leave the house, and getting thrown out of the house.

"_I don't know. But I think that if you are willing to go things will be easier, and I think that we both need to leave our own little world here in Victors Village once in a while. Since I'm sure you won't be going to the woods any time soon, we can start small. We don't even have to go all the way to town today, but I think getting out will help us." I say meeting her gaze full of hope. _

"_Let's go. Like you said we don't even have to go all the way to town today, we can take it slow." She says flashing me her beautiful smile. _

I can't help but feel slightly excited as we make our way to her front door. I also feel anxious because I know that at any time she could have a break down and in turn I could have an episode. But I have to stay positive. It's the only way I know for sure that will lead us both through this dark mark on our lives. I look over at Katniss as we make our way down the road of Victors Village to the heart of District 12, and I can see that she is struggling to keep going forward.

"_Are you ok?" I say looking at Katniss, bringing her out of her out of her thought._

"_Uh…Yea. I think so." She says looking unsure of herself. _

"_We can turn back if you think this is far enough Katniss. It's ok, I will understand." I say preventing us from walking any further, and looking Katniss straight in the eyes. Katniss is silent for a while before answering. "No. Let's keep going. I think I can do this."_

"_Then let's do it together." I say as I grab her hand and continue our way to town. _

Keeping my reserve I head down the same familiar path to the heart of town. As we reach the edge of the heart of town I feel Katniss squeeze my hand, but this only seems to give me the courage to lead her in to town as far as she will let me. I smile and squeeze her hand hoping that some of the courage that she has just given me will find its way to her.

_I stop walking and face Katniss as I say, "Are you ready to go in to town or do you want to stop here?"_

"_Uh let's keep going I will tell you when I am ready to turn back."Katniss says nervously squeezing my hand tighter._

We walk in to town and I can feel a change in Katniss' movements, instead of the smooth semi confident walk, she turns rigid, and unsteady. She keeps squeezing my hand tighter and tighter but I don't mind as long as she knows I will turn around and take her home as soon as she says the word. Her breathing starts to become irregular. That's when it hits me. She is thinking about how everyone else in town is viewing her. She thinks they blame her. I have to let her know that no one blames her, but here is not the place.

"_Katniss, it's ok. Remember we can turn around." I say hoping to calm her down enough to think rationally. _

That's when I hear Thom off in the distance. Why did he have to show up now? I turn and talk to him briefly, but when he talks to Katniss I am in a momentary state of shock. This could be good or bad, and judging by the look on her face it may not end as well as I was hoping for our first day out.

I'm holding on to Katniss's hand for dear life, hoping she doesn't try to run away. She says my name bringing me out of my state of silent worry.

"_Yea Katniss?" I say trying to hide my worry, but I'm sure it was a failure. She looks like she is about to hyperventilate which only causes me to worry more._

"_I think I need to go back." She says as her breathing becomes increasingly shallow. _

_Without even thinking about it I quickly turn her around as I say "Ok, let's go." But when she tells me to wait I am confused. What happened to the girl who looked like she was about to run out of here and never return. I turn to face Katniss, but she is looking in the direction of the bakery. I wanted her to see the bakery in her own time, when she was ready. But it's too late now, and I hope she doesn't have a meltdown. _

_With tears forming in her eyes she asks, "Is that the bakery?" _

Not knowing what else to do I answer her truthfully. Helping rebuild the bakery was my way of healing. What I don't tell her is helping was my way of letting go of what happened to my family, and to all of Panem. With every detail I could feel the pain from losing them leave my body, I could also feel the guilt slowly make its way out. I had never admitted it to anyone but I felt as guilty as Katniss. All of those people died because I wasn't willing to let her go, and she wasn't willing to let me go. I didn't want to be another piece in their games, and neither did Katniss. Unfortunately that was our undoing from the very beginning. If I had swallowed those damn berries so many lives could have been saved. But I also know that if I had done that, Katniss would have suffered. She had openly rebelled against the capitol, and for that her family and friends would have paid the ultimate price. This world would still be broken, and the games would still be around to keep people hidden away in fear.

I see that by not telling Katniss that I was helping, I hurt her. I explain why I left her in the dark about the bakery for so long, hoping that she knows I regret this more than anything. I pull her close to me in hopes that she will know that I will never leave her out of my business again, and then I hear words that make my heart soar.

"_I want to see it. I want to see the one building that means the most to you."_

I know that Katniss will never believe me but the building that means the most to me will always be the one that I will hopefully one day share with her. I come out of my small daze, when I realize that taking her anywhere but home is a bad idea.

I hurriedly tell her, _"No Katniss, you aren't ready I can see that now. I pushed you too far, too fast"_. This hurts me deeply but I know I have to be strong if I want to help her conquer her fears of the world without Prim.

"_Peeta, I need to do this, and I need you to do it with me. Ok?" Katniss says. _

There it is my name leaving her lips, and her grey eyes locked in mine. Looking deep in to her eyes I can see that she is telling me the truth, there is a part of her that needs to see the bakery. I just wish I knew why.

I give in, and take her in to the bakery, but not before I know that she understands that I will take her back home the moment she says she can't handle any more. Her hand still in mine we both stand inside the bakery I will be running soon, looking in wonderment. I haven't been here to help in a few weeks. I was told there was no need for me to be here while they put in all of the appliances and furniture. Katniss took the words right out of my mouth when we were standing outside. This place truly is beautiful. I will make sure that this place will stay full of good memories, instead of haunting ones. I can't help but think back to the bakery my parents ran. It may have been a peaceful place once, but I'm certain that was long before my mother and father married. Things were always clouded in darkness with my mother around. Something I wish was a part of the false memories.

I feel Katniss's hand leave mine, as she goes to explore the counter top. This is the most content I think I have ever seen Katniss. Her mouth is slightly upturned, almost like a smile, and she is moving fluidly without making a single noise. No wonder she is such a good hunter. Her small movements that make no noise mesmerize me, I can only imagine what an animal would do. Katniss's face changes from one of wonder to confusion mixed with curiosity. I then realize it's because of what I like to call the false counter. I laugh as she looks at me bewildered and asks, _"Won't it be hard to walk underneath the counter top Peeta?"_

My answer and demonstration seem to be enough to satisfy her curiosity. To make her feel less goofy, we make our way to the back part of the bakery where all the baking will take place. It's me who looks goofy now, of that I'm sure. The kitchen is more than I could ever have imagined. I figured everything back here would be identical to what my family had growing up, but instead I am greeted by a new shiny world back here. The difference is I like this shiny. Everything is perfect. I make my way around the kitchen looking through and touching everything. I look over at Katniss to see her watching every move I am making.

"_All of this is mine."_ I say smiling and feeling happiness wash over me.

She smiles warmly at me, and says, _"Yes it is."_

Seeing her standing there looking happy, makes my brain shut down. I rely completely on gut reaction as I make my way to her, and gently kiss her lips. Like I had hoped, she accepts my affection. We stand there locked in each other's arms for some time before she pulls away. When I open my eyes I see that Katniss has turned red in the face. That's when I hear the reason why.

It's the workers Cole, Justin, and Roe. But it's Cole who speaks while the other two snicker like the fools they are. Not knowing how to explain myself I turn around hoping that when I face him actual words will come out of my mouth. But to my dismay they don't instead I stand there struggling to figure out what I should say until Cole realizes who I am. I feel my face redden, as I awkwardly greet him. I hardly acknowledge our conversation in my head, I just answer his questions hoping not to cause Katniss any distress.

He must sense this because his next statement is an attempt at changing the subject. _"Uh huh. Right, looking around. Well if you don't mind we are going to get back to work. Will we be seeing you tomorrow?" _as Cole says this Justin and Roe make their way past Katniss and I. Taking their cue I grab Katniss's hand and make our way to the shops front doors.

Once outside I can feel the embarrassment of the moment burn in my cheeks. To try and make the previous moments easier I look over at Katniss and smile while stating, _"Well that was embarrassing."_

"_Yes it was." _Katniss replies with a smile on her face as we continue our way to Victors Village.

For the first time in a long time I laugh uncontrollably. I love the feeling of happiness that is overwhelming me. I look at Katniss as she laughs and she is a whole new person. She is glowing with happiness, and for the first time since I can remember she looks like she has let go, and is free. When we reach her door we have both calmed down enough for her to unlock her door, but still have the looks of utter happiness. I vow to myself in that moment that I will spend the rest of my life trying to make her look and feel this way as often as I can.


	10. Dreams

Chapter 10: Dreams

_**Authors Note: I would like to apologize for my lack of updating. I'm so very very sorry for not keeping this up to date. My life has been exceedingly hectic. I will do my best to keep up on this story. Thank you to everyone who has stuck by me and read this story. It means a great deal to me. I will keep up with the updating. I hope all of you keep reading and don't forget to review. This is my first fan fiction so I hope everything is what you as the readers are expecting. Thank you for sticking with me. I'm so sorry again. **_

_**Yours, **_

_**acriddle **___

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Hunger Games.**

In the time since mine and Peeta's walk to town we have hardly spent a day away from each other. Every morning he comes over and makes us breakfast, he even makes a little something for Buttercup, who incidentally has taken quite the liking to Peeta. Throughout the day I help him get everything ready for the bakery's grand opening, and when he needs to leave for a while I make my way to the woods. But each day I find myself anxious to see his bright smiling face, and I rush through my hunt only killing enough to feed us, Greasy Sae, her granddaughter, and Haymich. Most evenings we have dinner at Peeta's. We check up on Haymich and make sure that he hasn't drank himself to death. Some nights he joins our blissful meals but it is a seldom occurrence. After our meal we sit in his living room talking about our short time away from each other and anything else that comes to mind. We never seem to run out of things to talk about which surprises me every day. But Peeta has brought out a side of me I thought died a long time ago. He has brought me back to life once again, something I don't think I can ever repay him for, but I know I want to spend every day of the rest of my life trying.

Today was no different than any of the others. As I make my way back to my house for the night I find myself thinking about Peeta, as I do most nights. But tonight I am thinking more of my love for Peeta that has been making its existence know more and more each day. I begin to analyze my feelings. I know during the games I had lead the entirety of Panem to believe that I loved him, I think I had even convinced myself of it for a time. But I had always pushed it away. I wanted nothing more than to get home to Prim, and to see that he got home to the people that he loved. He deserved to be happy then and now. As I enter my house I realize I may have felt this for him all along but I was too unsure of everything in the old world of Panem. He knew the whole time. Peeta knew that I would run and hide from my feelings. But he never gave up, not even when he was consumed with anger from the tracker jacker venom. I lean against my door once it's closed. I have to find a way to tell him how I feel.

I begin to climb my stairs, with Buttercup at my heels. I feel confused. How did I get here? It seems like just yesterday I was confined to my living room praying for death. But as time has passed with Peeta by my side, I have decided I want to live. It's what Prim would have wanted. I know much of my life is still dictated by her even though she is gone. I can't give up on myself, when I think of everything she wanted for herself, and everyone around her. I know she wanted me to be happy, and I think she wanted me to be happy with Peeta.

I ready myself for bed, preparing for the inevitable nightmares that will ensue. The only thing in the world I have found to calm my nightmares is the strong arms of my boy with the bread. At the thought of him I feel a smile make its self-present on my face. I look out my window that allows me a view of Peeta's house. All the lights are off, except the one to his bedroom. Its window slightly open, blowing his curtains in the gentle breeze. I pull my eyes away from his house and turn my bedroom light off and laydown to meet my fears.

"_It's all your fault Katniss. You should have just swallowed those berries. We would all still be alive if you had."_ _I hear a voice say._

"_I'm sorry. I didn't want any of you to die. I just wanted for Peeta to live. I wanted for Prim to have a long and healthy life." I say tears making their way to my eyes_.

"_Your plans didn't work out now did they Katniss. I'm dead and there is nothing you can do about it."_

_I hear her voice first then her face along with those of the people who died so violently to save my life. Finnick, Prim, Boggs, Mags, Wiress, all of them surrounding me chanting a truth that in my waking hours I have learned to hide._

"_It should have been you!" _

"_We could still be alive if it weren't for you!"_

"_I could be with my wife and son if it weren't for you!" _

"_I could have been a great doctor, but no the Mockingjay was more important!"_

"_I could have died peacefully in my home!"_

_Their words breaking me down. I fall to my knees, tears streaming down my face as I begin to scream. At first I just scream nonsense but I soon begin to yell, _

"_I know! It should have been me! I'm so sorry to all of you! I want to take your place!"_

"_Then why didn't you Katniss." I hear out of nowhere. But the voice is one I have been trying to forget since his end. Snow._

"_If you would have just died they could all be alive right now. Peeta could live a life without hijacking. He could live a life with a beautiful woman who would give him everything he has ever wanted." Snow says as he makes his way to me. Blood staining his mouth as he reveals a world where I am dead. _

_Peeta is running his family bakery. He has both of his legs, and he looks so happy. _

"_Daddy! Daddy!" I hear. A little boy comes in to view, followed by a little girl just a few years younger. They both look like him. The little girl's blond curls bouncing as she chases her brother. Peeta greets them with open arms and a warm smile on his face. A woman enters the room. Her hair is blond like Peeta's, falling to the middle of her back. She is laughing as she makes her way to her husband and children. When she is there she turns, to face me. _

"_This could have been our life. We could have been happy. He could have had the children he has dreamed of." Her words cut through me, as the scene changes. _

_I see a young blond woman, with blue eyes applying herbal medicine to a strange man's wound. That woman is Prim. The scene changes again, now she is standing in a white gown, with her arms around a man. They look happy starting their new lives. Her life flashes in front of me. She has a child a little girl. She makes her way to me. _

"_I could have been good for the district. I could have kept mom here. I could have been a mom. I could have been anything. But look at me now. I'm dead and it's all your fault Katniss."_

_I'm crying uncontrollably, as I watch as the people I love make their way across my eyes. The lives each one of them could have lived. Finnick with his beautiful little family. Boggs attaining top status in District 13. Mags living her days out with Finnick and Annie, all of them one small happy family. _

"_Katniss!" I turn my head in all directions I hear the voice but I don't know where it is coming from._

"_Katniss! Wake up!" I hear. I want nothing more than to wake up. But I don't know how to._

"_Katniss! Please wake up!" _

I open my eyes and kneeling next to my bed is Peeta.

He reaches over and wipes away the tears I didn't know were falling from my eyes.

"What are you doing here?" I manage to croak out.

"I heard you screaming. I tried to let you get through it on your own, but you weren't waking up. So I let myself in." Peeta says gently stroking my cheek.

I look in to his blue eyes and see all the pain and worry that lies behind them. We stay like this for a while, both of us scared to say anything. When he lets his hand drop. He gently places a kiss on my forehead.

"I will go." He says getting up to leave.

"No. Don't." I say sitting up in my bed. He stops in his tracks and turns to face me.

"Ok." He says as he makes his way to me. I move over in my bed making room for him to hold me. He pauses at the edge of my bed to remove his shoes. As he lays down next to me I feel my body relax. He wraps one hand around my waist as he makes the other available for me to use as a pillow.

"Thank you." I say with my back flush against his chest.

We lay there for a time our breathing syncing to become one. I roll over in his arms and face his blue eyes. I place my head on his chest and close my eyes. I take in his familiar scent.

"Do you want to tell me what it was about?" I hear him say.

I open my eyes, but I don't look up. How can he want to know? Doesn't he fear what it will do to him? I stay silent contemplating what to do when he speaks again.

"You don't have to tell me Katniss. But I want you to know I can handle whatever it is." He says as he brings his hand to my face. I look up at him as he begins to stroke my cheek once again. As I look in to his eyes I can see that he is telling me the truth.

I take a deep breath as I begin to tell him about my nightmare. I begin to falter as I think about the life he could have had without me. I told him everything except that. I don't know how to tell him. He continues to stroke my cheek and place small kisses on my forehead as I reveal what I could about my nightmare. But I know he knows that I am holding back something. He just comforts me for a time before he cautiously asks, "Is that everything?"

"No" I answer tears forming in my eyes once again. I hate how emotional I seem to be these days. Dr. Aurelius says that its part of the healing process, and it's good for me to try and understand my feelings as well as those of the people around me.

"Will you tell me?" Peeta says bringing me out of my thoughts.

Looking in to his eyes, allowing the tears to finally spill over I answer him.

"In my nightmare you were happy. You had both of your legs, you ran your families bakery." The lump in my throat from my tears stopped me from continuing for a time. But Peeta being the ever patient man that he is waited, wiping my tears, holding me close, and placing sparse gentle loving kisses on my face.

"You… You had a … a family." I said my tears increasing. Peeta stopped wiping my tears. I looked up in to his eyes and there I saw his own tears. I gently placed my hand on his face and began to wipe his own tears away. I found the strength to continue while I busied myself tending to his tears.

"You had a beautiful wife and two gorgeous children that looked just like you. I could hear them call out to you, and you… You looked so happy. You had everything you have ever wanted. All because I had died." I finish letting my tears fall freely as I continued to look in to the eyes of the man I loved so much. I continued to wipe his tears that came out a little at a time. I had hurt him. I could see it in his eyes. But as I tried to pull away from him he only brought me closer.

"Katniss." He finally said, his hand continuing its task of clearing away my tears.

I said nothing as I looked in to his eyes and continued to gently stroke his face.

"Katniss. I have always wanted that life. But I have never wanted it with anyone other than you. I know it's not what you want, but I would rather live a thousand years with you, than live that life you dreamt of. I could never have that life. If you would have died, I would have too. We were thrown in to that arena together, and that was the only thing that gave me the courage I needed to tell you how I felt. I will always want you. I will always be here, as long as you will let me." With that he brought his lips to mine, gently kissing me while stroking that same spot on my cheek.

As I kissed him back I wanted to tell him how I feel. But something stopped me. I pulled my lips from his, and immediately wanted to feel them again. Instead I looked into the eyes I have gotten to know so well.

"I….I don't know ….. What I will be able to give you in this life Peeta. But I know I want you here with me, always." I said, forcing my tears back, and kissing him again.

I don't know how long we stayed like that but with each minute our kisses grew more passionate. I wanted to put everything I was feeling into those kisses. Not being able let the walls I had built around myself fall and preventing me from telling him how much I loved him. But as we lay in my bed expressing our love through small touches and passionate kisses I swore to myself I would let him in. No matter how much my instincts told me to run, and keep him away, I wouldn't allow myself to do that. I owe him that much. I owe myself that much as well.

As I continued to let go of my reservations I could feel my hunger, my want, my need, and my love for Peeta come to the surface once again. Just like that I wanted nothing more than to stay in this room with him forever. Away from all the hurt, and all the bad outside of these walls.

My chest pressed as close to Peetas as it possibly could get, my arms around his neck, and his hands pressed against my back bringing me closer to him I began to feel my breathing stagger. Soon enough we both were fighting for air, but neither of us wanted to stop. Peeta redirected his lips to my neck, kissing it all over, placing small love bites and sucking slightly as he went. I began to feel more out of breath as he did this, and a slight moan escaped my lips. I could feel Peeta smile slightly against my neck, causing me to smile.

Peeta crashed his lips in to mine once again. As he did this he rolled on top of me keeping most of his weight on his forearms. I could feel my walls come down. Even though it frightened me I knew this was meant to happen. I pulled away from his lips and began to mimic what he had done to my neck moments earlier while my fingers ran through the small curls at the base of his neck. He kissed my face and tangled his hands in my hair the best he could.

"Katniss…" he moaned bringing his lips to mine, taking my attention away from his neck. I parted my legs brought my knees up slightly causing Peeta to fall between them. Ripping moans out of both of us. Panting heavily we stared into one another's eyes.

"What are we doing?" Peeta said the lustful look never leaving his eyes.

"I…I'm not sure. But I don't want it to stop." I said still panting feeling love and fear wash over me.

Peeta crashed his lips in to mine once again. Kissing me slowly, and with every ounce of passion I'm sure he ever held for me. I pulled him as close to me as I could causing his arms to give and his full weight to be placed on me. I didn't mind this at all. I loved being so close to him.

He focused on my neck once again, tangling his hands in my hair that he had removed from its usual braid moments before.

"Peeta…" I moaned, loving the feeling of his body against mine, and his lips on me as well.

My moans only seemed to fuel the fire, as he removed his hands from my hair and began to explore the rest of my body. As nervous as I was I knew that he would stop if I told him to, but that was not what I wanted. I wanted his hands on me, now and always. I felt his hands grasp the end of my night shirt and slowly pull it up, as his hands gently caressed my sides. Stopping just short of my breasts, Peeta took his lips away from my neck.

"Do you want me to stop?" He said looking in to my eyes.

Looking back I smiled at him as I said "No."

I brought his face to mine as his skilled hands continued their exploration. He placed his hand on my right breast, and began to knead it the way I had seen him do to bread countless times. His other hand resting at my side. I began to moan against his mouth. I had never been like this. I had never allowed for someone to touch me this way. My moans had surprised me, but I knew Peeta loved them, and with time I'm sure I would be less embarrassed by them.

Peeta pulled away from me slightly but soon he brought me up with him, both of us sitting up just enough for him to remove my shirt. But he stopped and looked in my eyes. Peeta always being the gentleman was waiting for my permission. I gently brought my lips to his to steal a quick kiss to gain the courage I needed. As I pulled my lips from his, I raised my arms over my head, granting him the permission he needed.

Peeta grabbed the bottom of my shirt once again and kissed me sweetly as he slowly raised my shirt, our lips only parting long enough for my shirt to come over my head. He presses his chest against mine causing me to fall to the bed once again as his lips find mine. I move my lips to his neck and between kisses I ask, "What. About. Your. Shirt?"

Peeta grabs either side of my face and kisses my lips. Then he takes my hands and leads them to the hem of his shirt. I grab it hands shaking and slide it up kissing him to ease my nerves. He removes his lips from mine as I slide his shirt over his head. I meet his blue eyes, and I see that his pupils have dilated. At first I'm scared having only seen his eyes this way when he is being hijacked. But I see the twinkling that tells me this is my Peeta, the warm kind man who saved me all those years ago. I press my lips to his again. I press of my body full in to his, causing our already ragged breath to all but cease.

"Katniss." Peeta says while trying to catch his breath.

"Huh?" I respond enjoying his touches.

"I don't think we should do this now?" He says stopping his touches and looking in to my eyes. All I feel is anger and resentment. I'm not really sure what was going to happen, but I know that my body and mind were telling me it's ok. But as I look in to Peeta's eye I can see that he's not just saying this to protect me. He truly feels we are not ready. I know that if the roles had been reversed he would understand. I kiss his lips lightly before I answer, "Ok."

Peeta kisses me again seemingly happy that I didn't react badly.

"Will you still stay with me?" I ask looking into the beautiful eyes that are no longer dilated.

"Always." He answers smiling and kissing me sweetly.

He gets off of me and returns to his place at my side. I place my head on his chest as he wraps his arms around me. This is home. I think to myself as I look in to his eyes.

We continue our small kisses until we both fall asleep. There are no nightmares. Just sweet kisses and pleasant dreams of what might be.


End file.
